Searching

Not only is this a delicate image because it was done on newsprint, which is very thin and yellows easily, but it has a vulnerability and an unselfconscious nakedness like many of the others do not have. I feel that this woman is very concentrated on what she is doing, and is thinking of anything but her own bareness. She seems to be intent on finding something that she has lost.

It reminds me of the time when I wore a pair of my mother's favorite earrings out to a fancy party. They were gold screw back earrings, as neither of us had pierced ears at the time. These earrings were in the shape of a teardrop, a little gold teardrop "cage" containing a single pearl and they would sway with the movement of the wearer. They were a gift to her from my father. She leant them to me with the admonition to be careful not to lose them.

They must have been magic earrings because I felt like the belle of the ball. I danced all night and felt on top of the world, flush and breathless. Finally it came time for the evening to end, and I said my good-byes. I returned home and recounted the nights happenings to my mother. I reached up to take off the earrings and I felt only one. The other one was not there! I felt a panic rising in my belly. This could not be. I had checked them so many times during the evening! I was horrified, hated myself, and the evening's pleasure drained away in an instant. A darkness engulfed me, and I wanted to die.

My mother was crushed, but tried to be cheerful about it. I could see by the look on her face that it made her sad. I called the party hosts but nothing had been found. I cried and told her how sorry I was. I had lost something precious to my mother and could not get it back. To this day none of the gifts I have given her have been able to erase the guilt I felt for the childish abandon of that night that caused me to lose them so long ago. I still hope beyond hope that the missing earring will turn up some place unexpected and, like the gift must have done when she first received them from my father, bring a rush of joy into my heart.

8 x 10, ink and watercolor on newsprint.